ashliewhite

Sifted and Stirred – A Blog

  • In case you were wondering …

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    Photo by Shawn Rocco

    There was a time when I was so naively enthusiastic about life and the world that I would write in my journals, at length, about any particular topic that struck my fancy. I have a chest full of journals with pages full of uninhibited sentiment and pure nonsense. The nonsense, perhaps far more useful than the sentiment, documents the wondering and wandering of my youth, adolescence and young adulthood. Now that I take myself too seriously I often miss the opportunity to think a single thought so truthfully as those written in my journals. I hope to one day find room and make time for the nonsense and the sentiment again.

    Though I’m not sure this will ever be the place to stutter through my sentiments or babble on about things of little interest to others, I do think it will serve as a placeholder in the virtual world, a listing of sorts. I’ve decided to make good on a promise I made several years back, a promise to publish a website that would represent, at least in some fashion, who I have become since my days as a young journalist at the Chattanooga Times Free Press. I’ve been quite happy simply owning the domain in order to prevent something terribly interesting from being published under the name ashliewhite.com (a lesson I learned from a dear friend and mentor Ross Taylor while I was in undergrad.)

    Today I live my life as a student, a documentarian, a daughter, a lover, a fan of the arts and a patron of humanity.

    I’ve struggled with the concept of ego in publishing such a site, one dedicated to myself. I hear the annoying and childlike voice nagging “look at me, look at me,” taunting my better judgement. My self-indulgence is overwhelming as I press publish. And, at last, I am just another .com. It is comforting to know that far fewer people will ever read this post than those who know me personally by name. Keeping that in mind, it is my hope that this site will, at the very least, represent me in a theoretical sense, with all the randomness that makes up my being, in case someone should ever wonder what Ashlie White is up to.

     

  • Landing Toy Planes

    Landing Toy Planes:

    and other reflections on 2010

    It’s nearly impossible to land a toy plane where you want to it land. The thing about toy planes (of the non-motorized fashion) is that you’re not actively guiding it in motion. The mechanics are left to a trial-and-error sort of experimentation. You basically throw it a certain way and hope that it flies a desired path placing it in the proper location for a successful landing.

     

    I never realized how much I live my life this way. Launching off on some unknown journey, throwing it all out there, enjoying every second and hoping for the slight chance that I just might reach a desired outcome but with absolutely no expectations. Sometimes I nail it, it couldn’t be a smoother landing. Sometimes, those planes never land at all.

     

    One of my favorite memories of 2010 involves a toy plane. It’s one that will stick around because it expresses a simple sentiment, a nostalgic reference point for the year. The little styrofoam plane serves as a reminder that the most amazing moments are never the ones we plan and that outcomes are never as important as the journey.

     

    The year was filled with so many special moments, reference points along a figurative timeline; they bleed into each other consuming all space. I struggle to keep my breath as my mind scans over all these memories. I am overwhelmed with appreciation for all the amazing experiences shared with so many amazing people.

     

    There is an undeniable presence in my life that should be noted early on in this post; whether obsession or escapism, my indulgence in live music provides the atmosphere for many of the most notable experiences throughout the years. It is the music that stays with me when everyone else is gone; it plays in my mind even when the volume is too low to hear aloud.

     

    “The inexpressible depth of music, so easy to understand and yet so inexplicable, is due to the fact that it reproduces all the emotions of our innermost being, but entirely without reality and remote from its pain.” Oliver Sacks quoting Schopenhauer in Musicophelia.

     

    I am blessed to have so many close friends who inspire me through their music. Sometimes I’m not quite sure how I got to be so lucky. In addition to my friends who are musically inclined, I am blessed with an abundance of inspired people of other capacities. No matter what the aesthetic, the desire and motivation to create is contagious; it’s what drives me. I am a better person because of the people in my life who make it “inexhaustible in its richness.”

     

    2010 wasn’t my most wandering of years, but it was my most rambling. I am thankful for my friends who aren’t afraid to let me run, because I always run. I am thankful for my friends who encourage my creative spirit and unsettled nature. There are certainly very important people in my life who have supported me endlessly. I am sadden by my own inability to slow down sometimes and take care of the friendships that are my foundation, the brick and mortar of my being. It may seem as if I’ve become “too busy,” but busy is a choice and it is important that I make time for the people who mean the most to me.

     

    There are so many people I need to acknowledge, to formally express my gratitude, but this note would go on and on for pages; however, a few cannot go without mention:

     

    Jennifer Lundholm and Janessa Cyrus, beautiful girls, I love you so much. We’ve been together most of our lives and I am grateful for every moment. Thank you for understanding and accepting the craziness that is my life.

     

    Ryan Butch and Dougy Starcke, still looking out for me, after all these years. 😉

     

    Ivan Howard, my life is irrevocably changed because of our friendship. Thank you for believing in me as I believe in you.

     

    Melina Reed, you are a gift. Though I’ve had you by my side for such a short time, the effects of our friendship have permeated through all aspects of my life. Your support and encouragement have been unwavering and your brilliance, inspiring. You, my friend, have held my soul and touched my heart. I love you.

     

    Eric White, my angel, I have never been so proud of someone. You keep me in awe. Your heart is the purest I’ve ever known. Thank you for your love and support and always know you have mine.

     

    I’d also like to thank Andrew Bopes for being a wonderful partner during our relationship, for always accepting my crazy schedule, embracing my less-than-normal approach to life and for sharing so many amazing experiences with me in 2010. I hope that life is always kind to you, that you always try even if you have to fail, and that love finds you as vulnerable as you ever were. Stay beautiful and be happy.

     

    And finally, David Ostiguy, you are and will always be my hero.

  • Favorite Songs of 2010

    Favorites Songs of 2010

    This may be a little premature, I will likely find songs I love on recently released albums and upcoming releases that should be on this list, but the need to distract myself from more important things has taken over. Here is my Best of 2010 list. 

    Best Album: High Violet, The National

    Honorable Mentions: The Local Natives: Gorilla Manor, The Walkmen: Lisbon and Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse: Dark Night of the Soul

    Favorites Songs: (In no particular order)

    “Castles in the Snow” Twin Shadow

    “Conversation 16” The National

    “World News” Local Natives

    Most Emotional Reaction to a Song in 2010

    “Volunteers” Megafaun

    Top 3 Live Shows

    * Sounds of the South: Megafaun, Fight the Big Bull, Sharon Van Etten and Justin Vernon at The Haiti Heritage Center. Attended with David Ostiguy and Ivan Howard.

    * Jonsi at The Tabernacle; attended alone, with an empty seat for David Ostiguy.

    * Yeasayer at Cat’s Cradle; attended with Andrew Bopes

    Favorite Band(s) discovered at a show:

    (Tie) Freelance Whales, Peter Wolf Crier

    Favorite Lyrics of 2010

    “Fall asleep in your branches,

    You’re the only thing I ever want any more”

    -”Conversation 16” The National

    “But oh you caught me sleeping in the power sockets”

    -”Ghosting” Freelance Whales

    “We compare our hearts to things that fly but cannot land.”

    -”We Could Be Friends” Freelance Whales

    “You’re blowing Marxism to pieces”

    -”Dance Yrself Clean” LCD Soundsystem

    2010 Playlist

    “Carolina” Girls

    “Shape Shifter” Local Natives

    “Love More” Sharon Van Etten

    “Not in Love” Crystal Castles

    “Truth” Alexander

    “Bullfighter Jacket” Miniature Tigers

    “Enchanting Ghost” Sufjan Stevens

    “Ghosting” Freelance Whales

    “Juveniles” The Walkmen

    “Crutch and Cane” Peter Wolf Crier

    “Little Girl” Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse feat. Julian Casablancas

    “Pedals” The Love Language

    “Volunteers” Megafaun

    “Castles in the Snow” Twin Shadow

    “Swift Coin” Land of Talk

    “Tell Em” Sleigh Bells

    “Tin Man” Future Islands

    I have been blessed with amazing friends who just so happen to also be amazing musicians. Thanks Ivan Howard, Sean Thomas Gerard, James Ethan Clark, Mike Blair, Justin Lacy, Andrew Zucchino and the many others who have blessed my ears and my heart in 2010.

  • What Might Have Been Lost

    I wasn’t sure what would move me to post another blog. I’m still not sure why I stopped blogging. Perhaps the same reason I haven’t published my website … the desire to escape the egocentric requirements of self promotion stopped me from sharing my thoughts via the medium of the Internet.  I’m working on the website. I’m working on my ego. I’m happy. So, here we go.

    Preface:

    Karen’s beauty still takes my breath away. She radiated happiness as she walked down the isle. The glow, the smile, the fixed gaze, details that decorate the moment, the memory. I cried. I know her heart and I wish it safe passage on her journey through life. If I’ve lost favor in her heart, I hope she knows that I love her no less for it. She will always be the most beautiful girl in the world to me.

    What might have been lost . . .

    Events, such as this most recent exchange of vows, always provide a ripe atmosphere for others to inquire about the commitments in my life. Incapable of formulating a tactful response to most questions regarding matters of my own heart, I often incite more inquisition with my uncouth but honest responses to these questions. Such conversations have left me sorting through pensive and retrospective analysis of my actions, recent and removed, perhaps “a vision too removed to mention.”

    I am not sure who will read this, nor does it much matter. If you find yourself reading this in hopes to understand some part of the pain I’ve caused you, I hope you have forgiven me and believe that my apologies are sincere. I am often overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. Knowing that I’ve hurt you is the pain I bear.

    I have lived my life understanding and embracing this notion; Love without resolution is as fickle as any other passion. Being that I’m not one for resolution, at present, every relationship I’ve ever been in has come to a figurative fork in the road where the question that determined the direction which I would take was “Can I live without this person.” Naturally once I’ve made the discovery that I can live without the person, no matter how much love we’ve shared, my heart is more inclined to accept a future without the person. The need to move on grows inside me, accompanied by the hesitant resolve to “Do the right thing.”

    This is where my mind, my brain, plays the biggest role. The leaving is always easy. It’s a logical response. It makes sense. After I walk away, I find the feeling of freedom exhilarating beyond description. I thrive off the energy of being alone, motivated only by my need to create and no longer yearning for the attention of another. It is only my independence that I answer to. I’ve made a choice and I am happy.

    I once loved without choice and in knowing that this love was wrong for me I wrote the following in my journal:

    The pain will surely come.

    But let it come, for I would rather suffer endless days of pain than to have never known his heart. 

    I love him without reserve, unconditionally.

    I love him without restoration or hope. 

    I love him regardless of his inability to love me and despite the fact that I will lose in this love. 

    I love him because there is no choice. And when he leaves he will take that love with him, having known that my love was significant. He will know the kind of love that he deserves and he will always appreciate me for showing him such love. 

    He will think of me often and make comparisons that will allow him to understand the ways of the heart. He will love me, if not in time, in retrospect, and that love will stay with him for a lifetime.

    This feeling was an expression of emotion overwhelmed by circumstance. Seven months after I wrote this I chose to walk away from his love. The situation did not play out as I had expected. As I said, love is as fickle. . .

    My purpose in writing this is still unclear to me. As my blog is titled, Sifted and Stirred, I believe expression leads to greater understanding of self.

    I know that I am capable of loving deeply, honestly and selflessly. I believe in love. I know I have been loved and that I am loved. I appreciate the experiences I’ve had in love. I am grateful for those who have shared their love with me. I have no regrets in love and want for nothing from love.

    In the present, I have no expectations of love nor do I hope for love beyond my own reach. I am aware of what I deserve in love. I am open to bear the broken and lack of love and I am not afraid to lose in love.

    What might have been lost along the way are the simple ideas that inspire the heart. The romantic notions that make us daydream have been replaced by realistic expectations and grounded principles. After all is said and done, I’d give it all to be completely ruined by love.

    Here’s to finding what might have been lost.